


Change

by quartetship



Category: Original Work
Genre: Coming of Age, M/M, Multi, Original Character(s), Original Fiction, Original Universe, Originally posted as fan fiction, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-03-01 23:52:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13305978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quartetship/pseuds/quartetship
Summary: In the whirlwind years between sweet sixteen and adulthood, everything changes. Well, almost everything.





	1. Daniel

**Author's Note:**

> Happy 2018, friends! 
> 
> I figured this piece had been sitting on my much-lesser-known original fiction account for far too long, so I've decided to move it over here. This is the story of a group of queer kids from the hills and valleys of Appalachia, and what it's like finding your way - and your happiness - in a place that would rather you not. 
> 
> For those of you who have followed me for the over-a-decade I've been writing and sharing things online, you may remember parts of this story as being from a long-form piece of fan fiction I wrote several years ago. (2012-2013!) While many of the base elements of that story remain, it has been majorly reworked and all of the characters have new stories and faces, so be sure to read this with fresh eyes if you choose to.
> 
> Thanks as always for reading, and I hope you guys will enjoy. Once this is fully posted, look for the sequel in eBook form, coming later this year! 
> 
> \--

Summer in the fields of the Appalachian Mountains’ foothills was many things to many people. The days seemed to stretch on forever, with an oppressive, wet heat that was worse for the folks that lived along the rivers and lakes. Further up the mountains, it could be dry and stay that way for days on end. Only the violent summer storms brought relief, tearing down trees and old, worn, wooden structures in their wake. It was a hard time for the people that lived off the land, but they were few and far between as the new millennium rolled ever faster forward.

For most, the days of summer along the Ohio River meant boredom. For those with jobs work weeks wore on but for students, the days between spring’s end and the start of the fall semester offered little with which to occupy their time. With a backdrop like the decrepit industry centers and the aging towns that wound around them, it was no wonder crime went up when school let out.

Daniel Barnes had never had time to be a criminal, in any sense of the word. Sure, he’d been to late night parties, had more than his fair share to drink and driven his father’s truck before he was even big enough to see over the steering wheel. Those weren’t the kinds of things that got you hauled down to the police station as a kid in West Point, though. Rather, they were rites of passage– the status quo in tiny towns that held only a few thousand people apiece and hosted more livestock at their edges than humans at their hearts. With respect to the things that could be seen and done in a little corner of countryside like West Point, Daniel had all of it firmly under his belt.

But seeing the world with the blinders of small-town life had always made him curious about what he might witness, if only he could take them off.

More and more often as he’d grown older, Daniel found himself looking out across the sprawling green that bled into azure blue at the horizon, wondering what lay beyond it. Of course, he had been out of state and he'd seen plenty of ‘out there’, but it wasn't just a change of scenery he was hoping for. Outside the rusting chain link fences and gravel-lined streets that bordered West Point, there was something he was looking for. He just knew it.

The trouble was, it didn't have a name. And it wasn't exactly the kind of thing he could ask his parents about.

There was no way to put into words the way his chest sometimes ached when he saw adults going about their daily lives. People who had it all together– people who were sure of themselves– made that tender part of him a little more sensitive, every time he saw them. They knew who they were, what they wanted, and where they were going, and Daniel knew, well… none of those things. Increasingly, figuring it out was a hunt for a treasure for which he’d never been given a map; he didn’t even know why he was looking for it, let alone what it was.

As a child, he had often frightened his mother, taking off in the middle of the night to go for moonlit walks in the forested areas that surrounded their property. Now, nearly a man, he all too often felt like he was wandering those same untrodden paths, lost in thought and not even sure where he might be headed. Some days he didn’t even care where he ended up.

Somewhere along the line, he knew he would have to figure out what it was that he wanted and how to lay hands on it. Unlike many young people in West Point, Daniel didn't have a family business to settle into, no presumptions about what he was supposed to do with his life. In years before he'd considered himself lucky for that very reason; the world was his to mold as he liked. But on the cusp of his senior year, with little more than that school year barring him from adulthood and everything it would bring with it, he wasn't so sure he was the fortunate one anymore.

The weight of a future that he could not yet imagine sat heavy on his shoulders.

There was always farm work. His father worked for a local news station but had raised Daniel and his sister Shelby on a family-owned farm there at the edge of the town proper. Though they made little revenue from it, Daniel had always considered his to be a farming family. He knew enough about the workings of it to know that he would always have the option of working the land with his hands, if left with no other. If his father could do it, so could he.

It wasn’t what he wanted, though. That much, he did know. He’d seen the way his sister had left town for college at her first opportunity– seen the way his mother spent her free time staring out the many windows of their home, watching the sky and the roads that led out and away from town, like they might take her away too, someday. They would not, though; her fifty years more than showed on her face. At her temples, dark brown hair had gone silver too slowly for Daniel to even remember it happening. With every passing year, she looked out those windows less and less.

Though he was uncertain of what he wanted out of life, Daniel was sure that he did not want her story to be his own. Whatever he needed to do to forge his own path forward, he would, and though he would never forget the rich soil from which he had sprouted, he knew that putting down roots too close to home would keep him firmly in the ground there. There was too much waiting for him beyond the hills, beyond the place where the river met the sky, in the distance.

Waiting. _Something._ He just wasn’t yet sure of what.

\--

“D’you ever worry about what's next? Or about what to do with the rest of your life?”

Daniel folded his legs beneath him, coming to sit a few feet away from a crumbling fence that haloed his father’s farmland. Swallowing, he looked down at his hands, rather than up at the friend listening to him, as he spoke. He was soft, his father had always said of him. He needed a place to feel safe, a place free of the anxiety that plagued him everywhere else. For him, that place was wherever he could be beside his best friend.

When he was with Alex, he was free to feel any way he needed to.

“I mean, sort of.” Alex shrugged. His face nearly always looked severe, all sharp angles and pale skin, but in the moment, he was relaxed, carefree. He stretched long legs out in front of him, laid them along the length of the weathered, wooden fence upon which he sat. “You know what I'm gonna do, job wise. I've got good enough grades to get into school without much problem, so I don't think too much about it. At least not enough to say I’m worried.” He’d been looking out across the nearby field as he spoke, but after a beat of silence, he turned narrowed eyes back to Daniel, frowning. “Why?”

“I dunno, it's probably stupid to worry about right now.”

“Nah, man. If it's on your mind, get it out. You’ll feel better.”

Daniel couldn’t help the quirk of his lips upward. While Alex didn’t exactly have a flair for being the casual confidante that everyone could talk to, he always knew what to say to Daniel. While Alex was apt to dole out advice like he was being paid for it when others brought him problems, he was much more of a listener when Daniel needed to talk– a sounding board from which Daniel could hear his own voice and sort out what made sense in it and what did not. In that way, Alex treated him differently than everyone else. Alex wordlessly set him apart.

Part of Daniel wondered how far apart he was set in Alex’s mind, how much different he was than other people. He knew Alex was definitely head and shoulders above other people in his mind, but they’d never really discussed particulars. There was a word for how he felt about Alex– how he hoped his best friend felt about him as well– but he’d never actually let himself say it. Instead, he always ended up saying literally every other thing that was on his mind, while he and Alex were together.

And Alex always listened.

For that reason, Daniel’s filter was made of wide mesh when Alex was on the receiving end of his thoughts.

“I just. I've been thinking about things a lot, lately. I've got a lot of decisions to make in the next year or so, and I really just don't feel like I'm ready for any of it. College, jobs, shit like that– I can't even decide whether to play football again, this year.”

“Now _that's_ a you thing,” Alex said, though the sigh that carried his words made it sound like he had thoughts on the matter he wasn’t sharing. “But the rest of it can probably wait, you know? Junior year isn’t even over. We've got a year until we really have to have everything figured out anyway. Besides…” He threw both legs down over the side of the fence again, leaning forward onto his knees to look Daniel wholly in the eye. “You know I'm gonna be there for moral support, no matter what.”

Daniel grinned. “Moral support, huh?”

Alex nodded. “And to make fun of you when you inevitably fall on your ass.”

“Thank god for your unwavering confidence in me.”

They were quiet for a few minutes, then. Beyond the line of bumpy hills in the distance, the sun was looking tired, sinking in the sky. Daniel thought for a moment about the heavy feelings that laid across his heart; if Alex didn’t understand them, how could anyone else? Maybe it wasn’t that he didn’t understand them. Perhaps there was truth in his words, and Daniel was wasting a perfectly good evening, dwelling on his fears. Truthfully, the only thing he really wanted in that moment was to forget them and to remind himself of what it felt like to be truly carefree, blissfully unaware of his concerns.

For that, he would need Alex at his side.

Plucking a small stone from the ground beside him, he chucked it at Alex’s boot, smiling sheepishly when he had his attention. “Hey. Do you wanna go for a ride with me?”

\--

From the moment Daniel was allowed out of his parents’ home alone, he’d been spending time with friends as far away from the farm as he was able to get. It wasn’t that he hated life at home, but rather that there was so much more living to be done outside the Barnes’ property. Learning to drive had given him the freedom to do some of that living further away and more frequently than ever.

Usually, he had at least one other person along for the ride.

“I can't believe your dad let you take his car,” Alex said. He rolled his window down and inhaled deeply, like the air outside was somehow different from the passenger seat.

Daniel nodded, fingers tightening around the worn leather of the wheel. Driving in his father’s car still felt very much like what it was: borrowing something he probably wasn't strictly ready to be trusted with. It was a little bit like life, that way. As the wheel slid to one side and pulled them smoothly around a curve on the dark, looping country road, though, he felt a measure of that tension fly out the open window.

“He's been better about it since I got my license. Mom still freaks out, but I didn't even bother asking her.”

“Probably the best plan.” Alex laughed, bunched his curly, wind-whipped hair behind his head and leaned back into the seat, relaxed despite Daniel’s limited driving experience. For whatever reason, Alex trusted him absolutely. It was a fact not lost on Daniel. He glanced over at his best friend and smiled, just as Alex tucked one leg beneath the other and asked, eyes closed, “Where are we heading?”

Daniel glanced at a glowing road sign a few yards ahead, taking the turn that it signaled. “The lake.”

The winding roads and twisting gravel paths that led out to the local lake comprised a trail that Daniel could have driven blind, he’d been down it so often before. With little else to do, parks, fields, and lakes were the sites of summer in river towns, where truck bed camping and late-night swims were kings. Daniel let his mind wander as Alex let his hand float along with the wind whipping by out the window. It was quiet and easy, calm with the promise of excitement later.

It was everything spending his time with Alex should be– everything it always was– amplified.

Stepping out of the haphazardly parked car a little while later, the two of them meandered over to a familiar ledge overlooking the placid waters of the lake. Walking almost hip to hip they guided one another across the uneven ground; if they had wandered any closer, they might as well have held hands. Daniel stopped for a moment when the thought occurred to him that doing so wouldn’t have even felt out of place.

As long as it was Alex, it didn’t matter. That was a fact he hadn’t vocalized to anyone, especially Alex himself. It was probably best that way.

Daniel broke away, walking a few paces ahead to reach the ledge’s end first. He looked out over the water, finding it as dark as the sky above them had grown.

“Feels like it's been eighty years since we were out here last.”

Alex eyed him quizzically. “Didn't your family like… just come out here when your sister was home for spring break last month?” 

Daniel shook his head. “I meant _us,_ as in you and me, dumb ass.” He motioned between them. Alex grinned in response, a brief flash of teeth before he was twisting his mouth to one side, glancing out across the lake. He pointed to the waters in front of them, a few yards below the ledge they stood on.

“How deep you think that water is, over here?”

“I dunno, why?” Following Alex’s gaze out across the water, Daniel considered his question. He was too distracted by the gentle sloshing of the lake’s ripples hitting the rocky bank to pay any mind to his friend’s laughter.

Then he was falling, tipped forward over the edge of the overhang and tumbling into the water beneath it.

Daniel knew enough to hold his breath on reflex, to push himself back up to the surface before gasping for air, sputtering in confusion back up at Alex who was cackling on the ledge above.

“That's why!” Alex shouted. Daniel slapped the water, splashing him.

“I’m gonna fucking drown you!”

“We’ll see!” Alex smiled broadly, and then he was jumping into the water as well.

Alex was a graceful diver, a strong swimmer; he never ceased to impress Daniel with his prowess in the water, even when he was splashing him with the uneven entry of an impromptu dive.

“Nice dive, Michael Phelps," Daniel hacked, still coughing water out of his mouth and nose from his own fall into the water.

Through the water-darkened hair that was clinging to his face, Alex looked absolutely insulted. “Michael Phelps is a _swimmer,_ Dan. He doesn’t dive.”

“You would know. But whatever, same deal,” Daniel snorted. “Nice hair.”

Alex shook his head, grinning when Daniel flinched at the water pelting him in the face. “Yeah, same.”

Parting the water in quite strokes, Daniel watched the light from the moon and stars ripple and dance across its surface. Never more than a few feet away, Alex flitted around, popping in and out of the water with muted splashes. He looked so satisfied, so blissful, soaked to the bone and flushed from the effort of swimming. Daniel didn’t speak for a while, just enjoyed the sights and sounds of Alex enjoying the lake.

It was Alex who cracked the peaceful silence, wriggling up beside Daniel in the water, looping around him in one smooth move.

“So when are your parents expecting you back?”

Daniel laughed, trailing after Alex in the wake of his slow strokes. “They're not. Told ‘em I was staying with you.”

Alex stopped, pushing himself around to look back at him. He wasn't smiling. “Oh. I told mine I was staying with you.”

“Well, as long as we’re in the same place, we didn't lie to anybody, right?” Daniel shrugged. Alex scrunched his nose up thoughtfully.

“You have your phone?”

“Who the hell are you gonna call from the middle of the lake?”

“Your mom, to tell her she raised a moron,” Alex groaned. “I meant so they don't go calling my parents’ house looking for you if you don't answer.”

Daniel nodded. “Yeah, it's up in the car.” He splashed Alex, sighing when the water stilled to mirror their surroundings. The air was warm, even on his wet hair and skin, and the sky was cloudless, clear and studded with stars. He took it all in, and then looked back at Alex. “You wanna stay out here, tonight?”

“In the lake?”

_“At_ the lake, not _in_ it.” Daniel deadpanned. “And you say _I'm_ the moron. Okay.”

“We’ll get hungry,” Alex frowned. He chewed his lip like he was already starving.

“We can drive down to the pizza place that's inside the gas station.” Daniel gave him his best grin, one laced with the promise of as much mischief as they could find. “C’mon, Alex. I brought dry clothes and everything. It'll be fun.” When Alex’s resolve began to visibly waver, Daniel felt pleased, but then realization hit him like a rogue wave to the face. He reached out to grab at Alex’s arm. “Oh wait, shit, do you have your stuff?”

“Yeah, my kit’s in your car. Insulin cooler and all,” Alex said. “Glad you asked, though.” He swam toward the shore, stopping to glance back Daniel’s way a few times, finally pulling himself to his feet once they were close enough for him to stand on the smooth rocks of the bank.

“Well, I kinda want you not to die. Especially in the middle of the woods,” Daniel called, still several feet behind him. Getting to his feet was decidedly trickier than it had been for Alex - or at least Alex made it _look_ much simpler than it felt. Daniel shook his head, water flying. “Plus, you can't leave me to deal with my existential crisis next year.”

“I'm not goin’ anywhere, loser.” Alex grinned, a hand extended to help Daniel along. “Have I ever given your reason to doubt me?” Daniel took his offered hand without pause, squeezing his fingers less for leverage than in response to his question. He smiled.

“Maybe once or twice.”

\--

With their soaked clothes spread out on the ground nearby to dry, Daniel and Alex shimmied into clean underwear and made it no further with redressing before the muggy summer heat and their remote location dissuaded them from worrying about propriety. There was hardly any need, given that it was just the two of them. There was a trust, an unspoken comfort between them that forbade Daniel from feeling awkward about something as trivial as being mostly naked next to Alex.

They were the best of friends. For any other person to throw an arm around him as they trod, half-dressed across slippery river rocks might have been uncomfortable, might have set him on edge. With Alex’s arm looped lazily around his neck, Daniel’s only reflex was to slip one of his own around Alex’s waist, to steady them both.

With nothing but the light of the moon and its reflection off the surface of the lake to illuminate the space around them, they fumbled to find a place to sprawl out, safe for bare backs to lie on as they looked up at the stars. The stone they settled on was a large, flat sheet of shale, wicking water from their skin as soon as they flipped down onto it. It was a place Daniel was fairly certain they'd been before, picnicked on with their close friend Stevie or perhaps some other friends. Regardless, it felt familiar, safe despite the openness of the land around it and the water lapping at the banks just a few yards down the hill. Settled less than a foot apart, Daniel could hear Alex’s slow, even breathing in the silence around them as they lay there. 

“Hey uh, Alex? You remember the thing we talked about earlier?”

Alex did not move, did not turn to look at Daniel as he chuckled in reply. His eyes were fixed on the starlit sky above them. “Which thing dude, there were like twelve.”

“My existential crisis.” Daniel meant to sound more playful than he did, but there was too much sincerity in his voice, too much vulnerability. He knew Alex could hear it, which made the amused tone in Alex’s voice as he answered all the more comforting.

“Oh, yeah. Is it time for that already? It's only May. I figured I had a few months to prepare.”

There was a nudge against Daniel’s arm, and then they were both laughing. It broke the tension, fractured it just enough to let it slip loose from where it had settled on his chest. Daniel nibbled at his nails, grimacing at the lingering taste of the river water beneath them. Alex laughed again, this time at the face he was making, and Daniel realized his friend had been watching him.

The breeze against his face suddenly felt cooler than it had, moments before.

“I just wanted to know if… Did you mean what you said?”

“That I'm not going anywhere?” Alex rolled up onto his side, propped on his bent arm. “Yeah, I meant it. Dude, Dan– I've _always_ been with you. Haven't I? When Annie broke up with you last Christmas and you pulled all the hibernating bullshit. Where was I? At your house, making sure you ate and showered more than once a week. What makes you think I'm going anywhere now?”

Daniel sighed. Alex had every right to sound self-satisfied, but he didn't. Instead, he lay there looking back at Daniel with an expectant smirk. His hair was beginning to dry, honey-brown curls poking out at odd angles from between wet, matted strands; Daniel had the strangest urge to reach out and ruffle them, make that grin split wider and hear Alex laugh. It was a sound that always made things better, always lifted his spirits, and the memory of it alone brought a small smile back to his face.

Alex noticed. He reached out, prodding at the corner of Daniel’s mouth with his knuckle.

“Look, I'm not going anywhere. I hope you know that without having to ask.” He let himself fall down onto his stomach then, eyes dark and suddenly solemn. Still propped on bent arms, he rocked from one side to the other, dancing in and out of the dim light that fell across his face.

“I do,” Daniel said quickly. He shifted, rolled onto his stomach and closer to Alex, barely aware of what he was doing until their shoulders bumped and their eyes met again. He shrugged. “Guess I just wanted to be sure.”

“Well, be sure,” Alex smiled, knocking his shoulder against Daniel’s intentionally. “I'm gonna be around.”

Silence settled between them then, the only thing there could have been room for, there. Daniel was acutely aware of every inch of Alex’s skin that touched his, in a way he had never been before. For a moment he wondered– had it always been this way? Would it always be the same? How long could he hold onto that moment of warmth and how many like it had he let pass without a second thought?

It didn't matter. There was no changing what had already passed, but Daniel made the decision then– quietly, to himself– not to let anything else between the two of them slip through his fingers. He brushed those fingers over Alex’s, felt the cool breeze ghost over him again, this time chilling him halfway down his chest, and smiled.

“I'm really glad.”


	2. Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From here on out, every chapter will alternate perspective between Daniel and Alex!
> 
> \--

Like the rising of the morning sun and the sureness of nightfall after, many things about Alex Goldhirsch’s life were decided for him, without any need for his input. Unlike most of his classmates, the coming of senior year changed little for him; he already knew what he would be doing after high school. All it meant for him was more work, more responsibility, and more pressure. 

There was so much he would be expected to do. Most days, he tried not to think about it. 

At least once he was out of West Point, he wouldn't have to lie about himself. Not quite as much, anyway. He would still have to deal with coming out to his parents at some point – and the inevitable fallout of the rest of their community finding out that he was anything other than heterosexual – but those were worries for a far-off future date. For the moment, the only thing he would allow himself to wonder was just how long his best friend was going to keep him waiting. 

Daniel had a bit of a habit of making Alex wait. Unlike Alex, Dan was always turning every possibility over in his head, a head floating in the clouds far above the concrete schedules and imminent responsibilities of Alex's reality. Daniel’s dreamy outlook on life was sometimes the only thing that kept Alex from jumping headlong into things he once believed to be his only option. In that way he was his check, a balance to Alex’s neatly-written, tightly-packed agendas and hard, fast rules. 

That much-needed balance didn't keep Dan from frustrating him, given how much time he usually wasted waiting around on him. Yet there he was, on one of his first free summer evenings, waiting hours at his empty high school for his best friend, yet again. How he always got talked into that sort of thing he still wasn't sure. 

On that particular Monday, he was lingering in the halls while Daniel met his former - and possibly future - football coach for a conference about rejoining the team. Maybe that was the reason Alex was all too happy to wait up; he had always enjoyed watching Dan’s games, and the Taco Bell or Pizza Polly’s trips that came afterward. It wasn't for him to voice that to Daniel, of course, but if he was of the mind to go back to playing football, Alex certainly wasn't going to stand in the way of it. 

He passed the time by wandering the vacant halls of the school building, eventually ending up in the athletic complex. He could see as he meandered past that the head coach’s door was still mostly closed. Light shone from the crack left open into the dim hallway. There was no telling how long Daniel might be there, since Alex hadn't even bothered asking what the two of them had to talk about. So instead of waiting outside the door like a lost dog, Alex walked on, up the stairs that led to the indoor track that circled the basketball court. 

A few other students were there below him, shooting baskets as they laughed and talked. He briefly entertained the idea of joining them; the thought that his mother would approve of him doing something useful with his time crossed his mind. The thought brought another to his mind, though, of something more enjoyable than shooting baskets or shooting the breeze with underclassmen. He made a second loop around the track, descending the same stairs he'd climbed and heading down a connected hallway, toward the school's small arts building.

\--

Being a star student - or an ass-suck, as his friend Stevie Sammons often called him - was most advantageous to Alex when he wanted something. If there was anything valuable that small town life had taught him, it was that it was easier to get by with things if no one suspected you of them in the first place. Even when he was caught in some sort of scheme, his achievements and honors far outweighed his transgressions, so when he slid through the unlocked door to the empty choir room, he had no reason to worry about what might happen if he was seen. 

Playing the school’s piano wasn't exactly a crime, anyway. 

The music room was situated at the back of a long, pine-floored stage, the pride of the school. The buttery color of that floor was muted behind thick, heavy, velveteen stage curtains, separating the performance space beyond from the backstage wings and choir practice room behind. Alex breezed past all of it to take a seat at the piano bench, just behind the outermost curtain and just offstage. The lights from it illuminated his hands on the keys but didn't blind him from that angle - exactly the way he liked it. 

For Alex, playing piano had neither started as something he was interested in doing, nor had he found particular pleasure in it. Like many other things - basketball, Boy Scouts, Hebrew school - it was something he did simply because his parents chose it for him. Unlike the rest of it, though, learning to play had become far less about his mother's aspirations than about his own inspiration. 

Music became an outlet for expression for Alex, in a place that seemed to do everything in its power to silence his. Being gay in the river towns that sat nestled along the muddy Ohio was akin to being a criminal in the eyes of many of his family’s Bible-skimming neighbors. It didn't help being one of the only Jewish kids in school, already a magnet for ridicule despite there being no cause for it. By the time Alex was old enough to know he liked his own gender, he had seen enough in both the halls and the hills to know it wasn't a topic for conversation. 

So instead, he wrote music. 

His early attempts had been clumsy and simple, but with the non-negotiable regularity of his practice schedule, playing and indeed writing his own music had become second nature. It was easier for Alex to pour his heart into a song without words - a journal entry that no one save for himself could understand - than to talk through his feelings with another person. Of course, the people with whom he might actually consider dumping those jumbled thoughts on knew him _almost_ well enough to know what he was conveying through his music without being told. People like Stevie. 

People like _Dan._

Alex let his eyes drift closed as he thought about Daniel’s easy smile, let his fingers move of their own accord, working through pure muscle memory as he thought about his best friend’s musical laughter. It was that same laughter that the song he played sought to capture, a sound he wanted with him on even the worst days. He recited a nearly flawless rendition of a tune penned by his own hand, written about the stomach-turning feeling of realizing he'd gone into freefall, uncertain as to what might await him beyond the edge which he'd toppled over. 

All he knew for certain was that whatever it was, he had only himself to blame for it. Daniel wasn't exactly _aware_ that Alex was beyond crushing on him. Once he did know - and he would certainly figure it out, eventually - Alex would reach the inevitable bottom of the pit he had stumbled into and would be left to deal with whatever consequences lie there. 

He was well and truly fucked. Yet his hands played on, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. Sanity, he guessed, had left him the moment he'd let himself admit that he just might be falling in love with his closest friend. 

There was time to play the song at least half a dozen times through without interruption. Just when he began to wonder how long Daniel could possibly spend talking to his coach, he opened his eyes to glance toward the wall clock and froze for a split second when he instead saw Daniel, standing a few yards away on the other end of the stage. He narrowed his eyes inquisitively; Daniel chewed his lip in an impish, wordless response. Alex shook his head and played on. 

With an audience, a slight nervousness straightened Alex's posture, guiding his movements and making them crisp and intentional. The laziness of unhurried solo rehearsal was gone, and the notes were clearer, the tone more beautiful as he played the song the way it was intended to be heard. The way he'd written it. When he drew the last few notes out for the sake of a flourish, he hummed along quietly, the words he'd assigned to those notes in his mind echoing there, for only he himself to hear. 

_If only you knew…_

It was a habit of Alex’s to close his eyes while playing, especially as a piece came to its close, but he snapped them open again with a start at the sound of Daniel applauding his efforts. His face and neck felt hot under the lights of the stage as he rolled his eyes, standing to give Dan a mock bow. 

“Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. At least if you have your way.” He grinned, causing Daniel to do the same, and then it was impossible to stop. “About time you got done. What'd you do, tell your coach your entire life story?” 

Daniel rolled his eyes, tossing the duffle bag he carried to the floor and shuffling over to stand beside the piano. “Yeah but I left out the part about that time we broke your mom’s dashboard thing because she caught us smoking weed.”

_“Trying_ to smoke weed,” Alex corrected. “And _you_ broke it, not me.” 

Daniel frowned. “I have asthma.” 

Alex continued as if he hadn't heard him, mostly because he _had_ heard that exact excuse at least a thousand and ten times, and never for a situation in which it was truly relevant. “At least we didn't get grounded. That time.”

“Because you blamed it all on Stevie and Curt,” Daniel laughed, words bubbling out of him between snorts at the memory. 

Alex shrugged. “Worked, didn't it?” Truly, their mutual friends _did_ often bear a lot of the brunt of punishment for their misdeeds, but as Alex saw it, easygoing Stevie didn't mind, and Curtis Bateman deserved it. Dan would surely agree, if he weren't trying to make a point. 

Daniel crossed his arms over his chest, leaning his hips against the side of the piano. “You literally cried to your mom. In front of me.”

“Worked, didn't it?” Alex repeated, far less patient. “Besides, I was like twelve.”

“You cried last week, dude.” 

Alex huffed through his nose, neck feeling hot again. “Yeah, well, I could rag on you about crying over Annie like a week ago, but let's get back to you taking six hours to talk about football.”

Daniel winced. “Touché, dude. Ouch.” 

“Yeah,” Alex agreed, only aware of how sharp his words had been once he saw their sting written across Daniel's face. “Yeah, sorry.” 

“S’true, though,” Daniel said with a shrug of one shoulder. He took a seat on the piano bench, one leg hanging over either side. “I've been annoying as shit lately. I'm sorry.” 

“Never too annoying for me,” Alex said, giving Daniel his most convincing, laid-back stretch. He turned, his right leg folded in front of him on the bench, bearing more of his weight as he looked at Daniel straight-on. “My patience is endless.” 

“That's the biggest lie I've ever heard,” Daniel grinned.

Alex shrugged. “You gotta admit my patience for _you_ is a little higher than it is for the general population.” 

“Maybe,” Dan said, nodding slightly as he leaned in closer. “Maybe I'm just cooler than the general population.”

“Maybe,” Alex agreed. He leaned in to match Daniel’s movements on reflex, a startled sound escaping him when the end of his nose bumped against Dan’s. Eyes widening, he glanced up, finding Daniel still smiling. Alex swallowed, backing away before that changed. “Anyway, how'd it go?” 

“Good, I guess. Gotta start going to the gym again and keep my grades up. That whole bit. But otherwise coach said I'm good to go if I wanna play this year. I'll have to try out for a walk on spot, but I'll have a head start since I'm a senior and I've played before.” 

“And since you're really fuckin’ sweet at it,” Alex added, prodding Daniel in the side. Daniel shook his head. 

“I'm as good as anybody else, I guess.”

“Hardly,” Alex scoffed. “You could seriously get an athletic scholarship, Dan. You're more than just average.”

“Says the guy that like… plays piano with his eyes closed and shit.” Daniel mimicked playing the keys, and if he weren't busy disagreeing with him it might have been enough to pull a laugh out of Alex. As it was, he had a point to make. 

“That's just practice,” he argued. He gestured in front of him, showing the stand that would usually hold sheet music empty. “There's no music to see, so it doesn't matter if I close my eyes. Besides, I wrote that song. I'm always better at the ones I wrote.” 

“You wrote it?” Daniel gaped, starting backward in his seat liked he'd been hit by something. “Like you wrote the music?!”

Alex slowly nodded. “Yeah? Why?”

“Well that's… That's _awesome,_ dude. All I can do is run around with a football under my arm. But that's amazing.” 

“They're just different kinds of cool,” Alex offered. He didn't typically shy away from praise, but the way Daniel phrased it often sounded like Alex had won a competition they hadn't been having. It wasn't something he tolerated well. 

For his part, Daniel looked more satisfied with Alex's rebuttal than he might have with gracious acceptance. He grinned, leaning into Alex's space again. “So you admit that it's cool that you can write music?” All Alex could do in response was sigh, nodding and maybe even smiling. Just a little. 

“If you say it is, I guess.”

At that, Daniel _beamed_. “Am I the boss, now? Alright, for my first command, I say we-”

Alex clapped a hand over Daniel’s mouth. “Nope, not today.” Behind Alex’s pale fingers, he could see the barest hint of a mischievous grin pulling at Daniel's lips, could tell by the way his eyes glinted under the lights that something was up. Only after he felt Daniel lick his palm did he know what. 

The rapturous cackling that Daniel erupted in when Alex gagged and jumped from the bench, shaking his hand, was almost enough to make him laugh along. It was definitely enough for him to quickly forget to be angry. 

“Well anyway, your song is good,” Daniel concluded, bringing their conversation full circle. “Is it like... _about_ anything, or whatever?”

“Kind of,” Alex nodded. He tried to think of the best way to _not_ explain the song’s origins. “It's a long story.” 

“Well you can tell me on the way home. I'm starving.”

“Yeah, same.” Alex glanced at the clock on the wall. He wondered what topic of conversation he could fill the length of their walk home with, _other_ than the only one he had no intention of talking about with anyone, especially Dan. He looked back at him like he wasn't doing mental gymnastics to avoid answering his question. “So your mom's or mine?” 

“What's your mom making?” Daniel asked. Alex screwed his face to one side, trying to recall what he'd seen his mother working on that morning. 

“Cabbage soup and--”

“Mine,” Daniel interrupted, before he could say another word. The disgust was evident on his face. Alex rolled his eyes, sighing at him. The guy could lick another person's questionably clean hand without hesitation, but he wouldn't sit in the same room as a cabbage. 

“Heathen,” he tutted. Daniel plucked his duffle bag from the floor where he had discarded it and tossed it at Alex.

“Cabbage fucker.” 

At that Alex laughed, not bothering to wipe his eyes where they watered at the edges. He hefted Daniel's bag onto his shoulder and the two of them left through the auditorium’s small side door, stepping out into the muggy, summer evening air. 

\--

Walking the streets of West Point was something Alex could do in his sleep. Navigating the short roads - some still set with the original brick they were layered with over a century before - was routine and comfortably familiar, especially with Daniel at his side.

That evening under the slowly fading sun was no different. 

With the rolling hills and mountains reduced to rockslide hazards that lined the small highway that ran through town as their backdrop, Dan and Alex spoke very little on their walk, content to simply enjoy the silence the sleepy summer warmth provided. Children played in the small front lawns of the homes they passed. Their laughter reminded Alex fondly of Daniel and himself a decade earlier. It seemed they had always known one another, always been at each other's side; if there was anything he truly worried about when it came to aging out of high school and the tiny town they lived in, it was letting that part of his life go. 

He had never had reason to imagine a world without Daniel close to its very center, and the closer the possibility loomed the more he was certain that he didn't want to know one. 

“Hey Al?” Daniel's question rescued Alex from the downward spiral of his train of thought. He snapped his head in Dan’s direction, a little startled from the sudden sound after so much silence. 

“Yeah?” 

Daniel bumped his elbow against Alex’s, wordlessly taking his bag back, leaving his arm raised to sling it across Alex's shoulders. “Thanks for waiting on me.”

“Anytime, man,” Alex smiled. There was so much more he could have said. The whole truth was that he would always wait for Daniel - it didn't matter how long or what for. More any other person in his life, Dan gave him reason to believe that there would always be something worth waiting for, reminded him to slow down once in awhile and let things come to him rather than relentlessly chasing them. It was something he hoped to thank Daniel for properly one day when he had worked out exactly how. 

For the moment, he settled for simply repeating himself. 

“Anytime.”


	3. Daniel

The predawn hours in West Point played out to a soft soundtrack of farm trucks heading out for produce markets and blue-collar workers beginning to awaken. Life began before the sun came up in the rolling hills where the little town lay, but not everyone was on the same schedule.

Daniel and Alex had not yet been asleep for the night, and it was beginning to brighten outside.

They were both shirtless, stripped down as far as common decency would allow after hours in Daniel's upstairs bedroom. His family's house was old and the tiny window unit air conditioning in the upstairs hall wasn't enough to cool the bedrooms properly, but his open window helped. Still, he could tell Alex was less comfortable with the thin film of sweat they both wore than he was.

“One more round?” Alex asked, his eyes reddened from lack of sleep and his face nearly as sweaty as his shoulders and chest. His smile was no less bright, though. Daniel grinned to match and nodded.

“One more round.” He plucked his game controller from where it rested on his bedroom floor and started another match, knowing full well that Alex wouldn't let either of them rest until he had the winning percentage for the night. For Alex, rather than for sleep, he would almost be willing to throw the game and let him have the tie-breaking win.

Almost. 

\--

The delirium that set in just before the rise of the sun after an all-nighter was something Daniel was no stranger to. He didn't dislike it, the way he did any other shade of exhaustion. Rather, he relished it, a natural high that involved not a sip to drink, nothing to do to get there but to wait out the clock. Waiting was easy when he did it with Alex.

Before either of them even stopped to check the time, it was after five in the morning.

“How does that even happen?” Alex wondered aloud, prodding at a nearby clock with his foot. It read 6:06, but Daniel knew it hadn't gotten quite that late - early? - yet. He shrugged.

“Time flies, and shit like that.”

“Eloquent as always,” Alex sighed. Daniel blinked back at him.

“Y’know, I wonder how many times a week you say that. I'd say it's somewhere between a lot and too many.”

“Eat me,” Alex said through clenched teeth as he stretched. Daniel noticed - not for the first time - just how long his friend’s legs were, how tall Alex had gotten in what seemed like the blink of an eye. Gone were the days when Daniel towered above him; he was only a few inches taller on a good day, now. He swallowed the strange feeling of nostalgia at the thought of how much they'd both grown over the years - together - and sat back against the short footboard of his bed. Near his headboard, Alex clutched his own toes and chuckled.

“It really is easy to forget what time it is when I stay over, though. Probably more than any other time.” The softness and sentiment in his voice was subtle, but obvious to Daniel's conditioned ears. So many times had he heard it before, a change in Alex's whole demeanor, usually reserved only for him. It was like something glass, treasured and fragile.

Daniel was far too prone to dropping it.

“Yeah. Mostly because my mom stopped putting batteries in that clock in like eighth grade,” he said with another shrug, and Alex twisted his mouth to one side, frowning as he kicked Daniel hard in the shin.

The laughter that welled up in him might have woken his parents, but Daniel couldn't bring himself to care when it made Alex smile, too.

\--

Minutes passed like hours, but in the most pleasant way possible.

The darkness was becoming soft outside, the edges of the sky just beginning to brighten with the coming of the sun. They watched out Daniel's window, idle chatter trailing off into contented quiet. He didn't notice Alex's arm come to rest alongside his when he first moved to sit beside him, but the places where their skin touched didn't feel unnatural. They sat in silence, just watching the night come to an end.

“Wonder how many more times we’ll get to do this,” Alex remarked. His eyes do not leave the window. Daniel stared at him anyway.

“Do what?”

“Just this,” Alex said, motioning lazily around at the scene they created there in Daniel's room. “Stay up all night, ass around together ‘till the sun comes up, sleep all damned day afterward. I’m gonna miss this when we graduate.”

Daniel laid a hand on Alex's back, shaking his head. “Hey, I thought you said it wasn't time for meltdowns about graduation.”

“This isn't a meltdown,” Alex insisted, but then his tone softened like something melting in the rising summer sun. “Maybe like… A small complication. An error message.”

“You're the biggest dweeb I have ever met in my entire life,” Daniel snorted. Alex sighed, the edges of his voice beginning to sound ragged from a lack of sleep.

“You're not helping, you know,” he grumbled. “I just. I don't know, I guess I just worry that once we graduate, everything I enjoy doing now will change or go away.”

Daniel nodded in concession. “Maybe. So then you can find new things to do.”

Alex frowned, electing to look out the window rather than directly at him. “Yeah, but most of what I like doing, I like doing with you.”

“Well, I'll find new things to do with you, then.” Daniel sat up on his knees, suddenly feeling the need to pull Alex into a hug. He didn't - he wouldn't - but the need to get the hell away from the subject at hand was still strong. “You're making this harder than it has to be, man.”

“Don't you worry that we'll be too busy doing other stuff to keep in touch? I mean… I don't know for sure yet where I'm going to school, but you know college is gonna keep us busy, and if we have jobs or whatever on top of that, we'll be-”

“Fine,” Daniel cut in. He put a hand on Alex's shoulder, leaning some of his weight onto it. “We'll be fine. Look, stuff has come up before, and we've handled it, and still made time to hang out. We've been friends since we were in Pull-Ups, dude. That's not gonna change just because life does.”

“Okay, fine,” Alex said, but he didn't sound satisfied. “We'll still be friends. Fine. What if you get too busy to talk to me, though? What if I get too busy, and you just… Stop caring?” By the time he stopped talking, Alex's eyes were only a few inches from Daniel's, and Daniel couldn't be sure of which of them had moved. So close, he could see the redness in Alex's tired eyes, the way they shined, wet like he might be on the edge of tears.

Something in Daniel's throat caught fire at the sight, and he swallowed it down. It burnt like acid, but he willed his voice to replace it.

“I could never stop caring about you, Alex. Even if I wanted to.” It was the truth, even if he didn't want to share it. He hoped his words were soothing, though he mostly just felt embarrassed. He squeezed gently at the back of Alex's neck and tried to smile. “Now save your error message for later and watch the sun come up with me.”

As soon as the words left him, Daniel found himself unable to speak another. With all the warning of a thief in the night, Alex leaned in to close the tiny gap between their faces, stealing his words and his breath as he pressed his lips to Daniel's own. It was clumsy and quick; the angle was odd and Alex seemed to think better of things almost immediately. Still, Daniel could feel the lingering warmth for a few, fleeting seconds as Alex pulled back too far, sitting upright and nearly falling backward off the bed.

Daniel reached out to help him on reflex, but Alex didn't take his offered hand. He didn't laugh, the way he usually did when something absolutely _mortifying_ had just happened to either of them, nor did he demand to talk about what had just happened. Rather, he settled himself on the bed, just beyond Daniel's reach, eyes returning to the skyline beyond the window.

Staring at him for a long moment, Daniel waited. Surely there would be something, some discussion or explanation or even an apology, though that was the possibility he least hoped for. Alex would say _something;_ years upon years of life lived with his best friend told Daniel that much.

He didn't, though. Much to Daniel's confusion and increasing worry, Alex didn't say another word. He glanced back at Daniel long enough to give him a blank, almost unrecognizable smile, then turned his attention back to the sunrise they had been watching, silent.

Despite the fact that Daniel's entire mind felt like it had been tipped onto a wholly new axis, the room around him was not spinning as it felt like it ought to have been. Rather, it was as still and peaceful as it had always been, as it had been moments before. 

Outside, adults left their homes for work, children began to trickle out onto the streets to make the most of their weekend hours, and inside, Daniel could hear his parents waking up downstairs. For everything and everyone in his world - most especially and most puzzlingly Alex - life seemed to carry on without the confusion and wonder pulling at his brain from either side.

It was as if the rising sun had changed everything its light touched, and in this new world, Alex had never kissed him at all. Daniel wondered if it was something he said that had caused this shift into selective silence, but if so, Alex gave him no hint as to what it might be. He kept half a smile on his face, so avoidant of the topic that as Daniel felt himself beginning to drift off at last, he wondered in the surreal space between waking and sleep if the moment had ever really happened, at all.

When Daniel awoke, Alex was gone.

\--

After another few hours of fitful sleep, Daniel pulled himself from beneath his blankets. He made it as far as sitting up at the edge of his bed before collapsing backward again, settling for staring at his walls for a while instead of letting himself think too hard. That would only lead to places he didn't want to be, especially with his mind still far out of focus from the fragmented and confusing dreams that plagued what should have been a peaceful weekend nap.

Crossing one leg over the other, he stretched, eyes dragging slowly over his sunlit walls. The frayed, old posters there needed re-taped. Or just taken down. He knew he’d miss the sight of them, though. He remembered taping them up years ago, with Alex holding onto the step stool so he wouldn’t fall. Alex instructing him on how to stand so that he wouldn't fall. Alex laughing at him when he fell anyway.

_Alex._

Daniel had spent the entire day lying on his bed, staring back and forth between the dusty walls and the spackled ceiling. He’d planted himself there when he awoke to find Alex missing, and moved very little since. Despite his confusion, it was somehow comforting to linger there.

When his mother had popped her head in that morning wondering why he still hadn’t come down for breakfast, he had lied and said he wasn’t feeling well. She fussed over him for a few minutes, brought him some slightly soggy toast and left him in silence for the rest of the afternoon to swim through his own thoughts. That’s exactly where he’d stayed the rest of the day, into the afternoon and that evening as well. He refused lunch, said no to errands his dad asked him to go on, and even turned down a text invite from Alex to go grab pizza with a few other friends from school. Daniel's stomach dropped when he read it; Alex sounded like nothing out of the ordinary had happened at all. Unable to do the same, Daniel fired back a simple ‘no thanks’ and turned his phone off completely. He never blew Alex off. But then, he'd never spent an entire day lost in his thoughts and feelings about _what the hell was happening_ between the two of them, either.

Daniel rolled over, sighing into his rumpled bedclothes. They still smelled like Alex, a fact that forced Daniel to realize he knew what his best friend _smelled_ like. Then again, he knew everything about Alex. Like the fact that Alex wore a shirt size smaller than Daniel himself. He loved pickles but only certain kinds. His eyes were green and changed with the light and he had tiny little freckles under his bottom eyelashes, and his lips were almost a peachy color rather than the pink that most people had. And man, were they soft.

That thought made Daniel's stomach flip. He knew that much because he'd been close enough to Alex's face to notice it all, knew it because he'd had those soft lips on his. Curling his knees up toward his chest Daniel held his stomach, momentarily afraid he might be sick. Why wasn't this a big deal to Alex? Why was he the only one rolling around on his bed like he was dying?

The worst part of the whole ordeal was the fact that he knew, given the chance, he would absolutely kiss his best friend again. The more he agonized over what had happened, the more fondly and longingly he thought about that brief press of lips to his, the more he thought about Alex's soft, tired eyes and hushed voice from the night before. The longer he dwelled on the thought, the less he could deny that Alex had done more than kiss him - he had broken some final strand that had been holding Daniel back from falling, and now he was hopelessly lost in dizzy daydreams of what it might be like to kiss Alex all the time.

Oh sure, let's hang out later, and by the way, thanks for making out with me last night and then bolting!

Ok, so maybe it wasn’t making out, exactly, but it was still definitely A Thing. Daniel laughed darkly into his pillow at the thought to keep from crying.

If Alex didn't want to acknowledge what had happened, he wouldn't make him. He couldn't bring himself to start a conversation like that when it was clearly something Alex thought would be better left unspoken, but then he also couldn't imagine facing Alex knowing something like that was looming over their heads. What if it never got cleared up? What if Alex ignored it forever? How would Daniel ever speak to him again? How could he even get through the following day with Alex beside him in half of his classes if they couldn't talk?!

Still, he needed to talk about it with someone. So as the Sunday night darkness threatened the approach of the new week, he turned his cell phone back on, ignoring the messages that had accrued and hit the second speed dial button rather than the first. The line rang twice – just long enough for him to start panicking about someone else answering. Calling shared landlines always made him a little queasy with nervousness. He was relieved when the receiver clicked and he was greeted by a familiar voice.

“Hello?”

His good friend Stevie’s voice was like an anchor in turbulent waters, and Daniel sighed into the microphone as he spoke, glad for the sound of it.

“Hey man, what’s up – it’s Dan.”

“Oh hey; what’s goin’ on?” Stevie asked. Daniel swallowed.

“Not much, I – uh – just needed to talk to somebody, so…”

“M’kay, shoot.” His words were absent and distracted.

Daniel steeled himself. “Steve, can I ask you something?”

There was a pause and Stevie cleared his throat. His tone became more serious, focused. “Sure man, what’s up?” 

“I, um… I think I like someone.” 

His friend chuckled. “I don’t think you understand what the words ‘ask something’ mean, Dan. But that’s cool, I guess. Is it someone I would know, or--”

“Dude, it’s West Point. Everybody knows everybody.” 

“True story,” Stevie laughed. “So, who is it? Not Annie this time, I guess…”

Daniel scowled, irritated at the thought. “No dude, I’m done with _that_ mess.” 

“Believe it when I see it, brother,” Stevie teased. “But alright, then who is it?” 

“Well that’s the thing. It’s kind of… weird.” He tried to keep his voice from trembling. 

“Weird… how?” 

“Weird like… I’m afraid you’re gonna stop talking to me if I tell you. But I’ve got to talk to someone about it, it’s driving me nuts, and--”

“Is it me?” Stevie asked quickly. 

Daniel nearly dropped his phone. “No – NO!” 

There was a gentle sigh on the other line, the subtle sound of relief. “Ok, so then you’ve lost that shock factor. Why else would I stop talking to you?” 

“Well it’s – it is a guy.” Daniel waited, unable to breathe until his friend responded. “So, you’re gay?” he asked. “Or like… bi?” There was no harshness in his voice, only curiosity. 

“No – well I don’t think – it’s really just _him._ I’ve never liked any other guys, but I just… can’t stop thinking about him like that, so I guess – I don’t know.” 

“Oh. Okay.” 

“Okay?” Daniel demanded. “Like you’re not sicked out or whatever?” 

“You’re one of my best friends, dude. I don’t really _care_ who you like as long as you’re happy. I mean, it would’ve been weird if it was me ‘cause, you know, you’re like my brother. First cousin on a bad day, but I'm pretty sure that's illegal here, too. But anyway, past that – whatever works for you is cool with me.” 

Daniel felt a smile burst across his face despite his nervous stomach, and his eyes tickled like he might cry. He laughed, instead. “That’s – that’s really awesome, Steve. Thanks.” 

“No sweat, man. So…?”

“So, what?” 

“You gonna try to get with this guy, or what?” 

“I don’t know. I mean, I think I _want_ to. I’m just freaked out by the whole thing. I don’t wanna talk to him about it – I’m worried I’ll scare him off or he’ll be disgusted.” 

Stevie clicked his tongue a few times. Daniel was far past familiar with the sound. It was Stevie’s way of thinking aloud about something, like the noise somehow came from his brain. “Does he – you know – _like_ guys?” 

“I honestly have no idea. I never would’ve thought so, but then the thing happened last night, and--”

“Last night?” Stevie asked with obvious interest. “What happened?” 

“Oh, uh… he… kissed me,” Daniel said, quiet and unsure, though he very much knew it had happened. It felt foreign to say it out loud. 

Stevie made a sound like he was choking on the other end of the line. “This guy _kissed_ you? And you _don’t know_ if he’s interested? How is that not a big ass sign?!” 

“You weren't there!” Daniel insisted, though he felt the faintest twinge of embarrassment. He groaned, willing his face to stop heating up. “It’s really confusing and – what if it’s just a twisted joke and he really _doesn’t_ like me that way? Would someone do that?” 

Stevie snorted. “Doubt it man, unless it’s Bateman.” 

At that, Daniel couldn't help laughing too. “You _know_ it wouldn’t be Bateman dude. Like never – not even with _your_ dick.” 

“So, who is it, then? Why are you dodging me, man? Spill your shit, or don't.” 

Daniel swallowed. His mouth felt like it was full of sand. “I dunno, man It's just… you said it would be weird if I liked _you,_ because you’re my friend. Does – is that _always_ weird? To like someone who’s your friend? ‘Cause, I mean--”

“It’s Goldhirsch, isn’t it?” 

The question echoed in the quiet. Daniel panicked. The expectant silence on the other end of the line grew to a loud buzz, and he could hear his own heartbeat through it. Just the sound of part of Alex’s name from somewhere outside of his own thoughts was enough to jolt his stomach into his throat.

“Dan? You still there, dude?”

He nodded his head, only afterward remembering he was alone; Stevie couldn’t see him. He breathed in sharply and tried to feign placidity, but he couldn’t steady his voice. 

“Just. Don't worry about it, okay? I, uh – gotta go, dude – I’ll see you at school tomorrow.” 

“Sure man – see ya then,” Stevie said. His voice was spiked with irritation, but he didn't push. Daniel felt a surge of affection, a softness knowing he had someone like Stevie in his corner, even if he was aggravated. Daniel cleared his throat.

“Alright. Oh and, Steve?” The words were spilling out of his mouth like water, and he slipped on them before he could stop to think. “Don’t… Don't say anything to him, okay?” 

He wished he could pull the words back through the phone, but Stevie’s voice was now warmer, clearly amused and almost comforting. “No problem, Dan. See you tomorrow.”

With that the line clicked into silence and was soon punctuated by a dial tone. Daniel slid his finger across his phone’s screen and ended the call, tossing the device to the end of his bed. He sat up and looked out his window at the now deep blue night sky over the mountains and felt his stomach rumble. He was hungry. He realized he needed a shower, badly. Looking back down at his phone, he knew that he still had a serious issue that he needed to resolve somehow, and he was really no closer to working it out. But he also knew he wasn’t alone now; he could talk about it with Stevie if he needed to, and if he could get the nerve up, maybe even Alex.

He shivered as the cool night air blew in through his open window. Maybe, but not tonight.


	4. Alex

_Homework. Studying. Being grounded in his room._

Alex had spent a lot of time at the small desk inside his bedroom over the years, but even with all of it considered this was probably the most unpleasant experience so far.

He sat there for hours with nothing to do, nothing to distract him from his thoughts but the passing of cars and people on the streets outside. There, he could see and hear the world passing him by out his bedroom window, but he ignored it. Inside his home, his family stirred as his parents did weekend chores and his little brother bounded around like an excited puppy. None of it roused Alex from his spot slumped over his desk.

All he could do was think about the night before - about Daniel - and every thought made him feel worse than the last.

He certainly wasn't letting on to _Daniel_ that this was how he was spending his day. Nope. No way. If he did, he'd have even _less_ of an excuse for his sudden exit from Daniel's room earlier that morning - and probably give his friend even more reason to hate him.

Technically Daniel hadn't actually given him reason to think he hated him. At least, not yet. The night before, he'd seemed to feel quite the opposite, so clingy and close. Recalling it made Alex shiver. The feel of his warm skin against Alex's still sat front and center in his memory, along with Daniel's big, beautiful eyes, heavily lidded as they sat together, hands close enough to hold, bumping against one another every few seconds and--

_No, God, no._

He needed to stop. That kind of indulgent thinking was exactly what had landed him in hot water in the first place.

He reached for his phone on impulse and fired off another casual text in Daniel's direction, desperate for a response.

Alex had sent something like half a dozen wordy texts already, none of which even came close to touching on the topic of what had happened between them. Rather, he had tried to repair the order of the world around them by setting up a group outing, asking where Daniel's favorite place for pizza was despite already knowing - literally _anything_ that would get Daniel to talk to him without having to talk about _that,_ in particular.

_‘no thanks’,_ said the sole reply. The brevity of it made him feel sick.

Clearly, he'd taken the wrong approach in trying to ignore and deny what had happened. In his delirium that morning, he had hoped that if he just pretended it hadn't, Daniel wouldn't push for an explanation. He'd chalk it up to weird, sleepless foolishness and they could both be done with it, forgotten as Alex desperately wished the awkwardness it had brought with it would be.

But that wasn't what had happened at all, and now things were worse than ever.

Alex had thought that dealing with his growing fondness for Daniel had been difficult. He had believed that the worst feeling in the world was longing for someone's touch that had no intention of letting it linger on your skin, but who was always right there at your side. He thought it couldn't _get_ any worse than believing he might be falling in love with his definitely-straight best friend, but then he'd gone and _made_ it worse.

Grimacing at the detailed memory of their quick and confusing kiss, Alex rubbed his temples.

When things weren't okay between he and Daniel, things weren't okay, period. His relationship with his best friend had always been a source of comfort and strength. Now it was the twist in his chest, the dryness in his throat and the pain in his stomach that refused to abate. He wasn't even sure how he felt about Daniel, only that it was beyond anything he had felt for another person in his lifetime.

Alex was certain of one thing, though: He had maybe, probably, _definitely_ destroyed things between the two of them.

He had let his mouth run away with him again, only this time the damage was far worse than usual. This time he hadn't just said the wrong thing or been too blunt - he had all but vomited his feelings all over his best friend in the wee hours of the morning, only to then launch himself at him and kiss him. Without ceremony. Without warning. Without permission.

And then, instead of apologizing or acting as guilty as he felt or doing something - anything - that would have been any kind of _normal human thing_ to do, he’d just… shut down. Completely clammed up. He had let Daniel stare at him in confusion, knowing full well he had probably just given their friendship at least a massive splintering - if not entirely destroyed it. He had just looked out the window in silence, willing the moment to be over.

And when Daniel had drifted off to sleep at last, Alex had all but run from the room.

He twisted fingers in his hair, frustrated as he thought the whole thing through for probably the seventeenth time that day. Numbering the stupid mistakes he had made in his life was probably not entirely impossible, given that he was prone to thinking things through - but not when Daniel was involved. God, not when Daniel and his stupid blue eyes and ridiculous, crooked smile and incredible, infectious laugh were concerned. Alex was weak when Daniel was the topic of conversation. Weak, and apparently an absolute idiot.

Groaning loud enough to make himself glad he was alone, Alex looked out the window of his bedroom and squinted against the last light of the sun.

He needed to get out of the house, get some fresh air and clear his head.

Not pausing to let himself think it over any longer, he grabbed his phone and wallet from his desk and shoved them into his pockets. His mother didn't ask why he wanted to borrow the car, only handed him the keys and pressed a lipstick print onto his cheek as he headed for the door.

For that much, he was grateful.

\--

Alex sat for a long time at a stop sign at the end of his street. It was the meeting of afternoon and evening, the end of a too-sunny but temperate Sunday in May when most people would be out of their homes, but he seemed to encounter no one on his drive. So, he sat there without moving, the car’s engine threatening just enough white noise to send him drifting off into his thoughts.

Not that he needed any help, getting there. He never had. Watching children play in a nearby neighbor’s yard made him think of his own little brother, Isaac, undoubtedly beginning to wonder why Alex had been holed up in his room all weekend. Then, his thoughts turned to his own childhood, of how quickly it has passed, and how much of it he had spent with Daniel.

Suddenly he was lost again, wading through thoughts of his best friend and feeling a strange and surreal mix of happiness and guilt with each one. It was only the sharp, loud sound of a car horn that brought him back to reality and his foot down on the gas pedal once more.

\--

Chain restaurants were still a relative novelty in West Point.

Because their town was so small, most businesses looked at it as an afterthought. They had dollar stores and fast food joints, but just as many mom-and-pop stores and restaurants. Getting a Walmart had opened a very small floodgate, though, and the Starbucks that Alex found himself parked in front of still had that new-in-town shine on the faux stone facade.

It was a laughable attempt at being chic and relevant, but it worked; everyone in town from kids to the elderly seemed enamored with the place. That kind of crowd draw wasn't usually Alex's scene, but it was also the place where he could get a ridiculous coffee drink blended any way he wanted it at nearly any time of day. The employees didn't judge him for stress-drinking caffeine, just took his money and smiled.

He parked, shrugged on a jacket from the backseat for a place to put his hands and went inside.

As he took his place in line, two girls at a table across the room took notice of him. When he glanced in their direction he noticed they seemed to be talking - laughing - about him in return. That, and he noticed exactly who they were. Carrie, a girl who he shared several classes with, and her best friend.

The sight of that friend made his stomach lurch. (As if it hadn't been through enough that day.)

Vivianne Song. Most of the town knew her as Annie. She was the daughter of a local pediatrician and her husband, both of her parents immigrants and pillars of the community. Athletic and smart enough to give him a run for the valedictorian position at tiny West Point high, she was the kind of clever, pretty girl that any parent would be thrilled to see on their son’s arm. Perfect, it seemed.

Perfect, and also Daniel's one and only ex-girlfriend.

Alex swallowed hard, looking away to rake his eyes absently over shelves filled with coffees and overpriced cups. The relationship between Annie and Daniel had always bothered him in a way. Daniel was prone to doing stupid things when it came to Annie, and she was equally prone to dropping the relationship on a moment's notice when he did. Far too many times had Alex bitten back a snide remark when Daniel had gone back to her, but after the first few instances, he had just learned that it was a part of being friends with Daniel.

That friendship was too important to Alex to let a little bitterness get in the way.

The problem was, he no longer felt the same subtle sting that he once had when he thought about Daniel fawning over Annie Song. What had once been something akin to a healing sunburn - only hurting when the reality of things hit him too hard - was now a real, raw and prickling pain that seemed in no hurry to go away. It seemed to come from somewhere in his stomach, nauseating and sour as it wrapped itself around the heart in his chest and _squeezed._

The only thing he could compare it to was jealousy, though he had never felt so sickened by that feeling before.

Staring at the floor with concentrated effort, Alex chastised himself. Daniel wasn't his - what the hell had gotten into him? He had no right to feel _whatever_ it was he was feeling when he thought about Annie, much less assume she was talking about him simply because she'd looked his way. Running his thumb over his own tightly clenched fingers buried in his jacket pocket, he tried to calm down.

Annie wasn't a bad person, he reminded himself. Still, it was hard to be an impartial judge when he had spent so many nights with Daniel's head buried in the crook of his neck, shaking with sobs as he drunkenly recounted the many ways she'd broken his heart. The two of them were toxic together, but it never stopped Daniel from running back to her.

Alex could never quite divorce himself of the bitterness that came with seeing Daniel's eyes full of tears that Annie was responsible for.

He tried, though. Tried to remain cordial at school, tried not to glare at her when they crossed paths. That happened far too often for him to just ignore her existence. When the barista behind the counter called Alex's name, every head in the shop turned to watch him retrieve his drink, hers included. It was a symptom of small-town life and he'd long since gotten over the adolescent paranoia that came from being stared at, but there was something particularly irritating about having _her_ eyes on him, that day.

He kept his eyes anywhere but on her, heading for the door with his drink in his hand.

By the time he was behind the wheel of his mother's car, the feeling of eyes on him had lifted. What he _couldn't_ seem to stop were the thoughts of what Annie could have been talking about, laughing about - of what she might _know._ It was a long shot to think of Daniel confiding anything in her, but what if he _had_ told her about what had happened? What if she was laughing because she knew what Alex also understood - that Daniel would never feel the same way about him that he felt about his long-time best friend.

Anger bubbled up from his stomach to his chest, boiling behind his ribs. He swallowed his drink too quickly, willing it to cool the fire there before jamming the empty cup into the holder and pulling out of the parking lot in a rush.

He could feel his grip on sanity slipping. It was irrational, but no less real. He needed to get the sickening heat out of his chest and into the open air before he died of it. As much as he didn't want to, he needed to do something about this situation before things got completely beyond saving between him and Daniel.

Driving on mental autopilot, he knew exactly what he needed to do. He needed to be an adult, and stop hiding - to talk about what was bothering him. And it really needed to be Daniel that he talked to.

So why he ended up parked in a gravelly lot a few yards away from _Stevie's_ house, he wasn't really sure.

Frustrated with himself, he headed for the door.

\--

Stevie Sammons lived with his parents and siblings in a house that looked as if it might blow apart with an errant gust of wind. Situated within walking distance from the river that wound through the town, its worn wooden siding was a color that was neither truly brown nor gray, but somehow both in turns. It looked fragile against the exposed stone and steel that littered the area. Still, it had been there - along with the rest of the ancient homes on that side of the street that ran just behind the railroad tracks - for as long as the town had existed. Like the families that lived in that tiny nook that the rest of the town called “skid row”, neither the Sammons family nor their house seemed keen on being moved by anything.

When Alex knocked on the door, he barely had time to rap his knuckles against the weathered wood before Stevie was there, opening it to meet him. Alex swallowed, a little surprised as he stepped back a stride to make room for Stevie on the narrow front stoop.

“Uh, hey man… Is Dan here or anything?” he asked. He felt the skin on the back of his neck growing hot, strange for such a pleasantly temperate day.

Stevie frowned. “No, he's not. Hasn't been over for a while. Everything… okay with you guys?”

Alex drew back a bit at the question. He wasn't sure exactly what was being implied, but he also didn't have a reason to think Stevie knew enough to be prodding him about... recent events. He probably just wasn't used to seeing Alex without Daniel. No one was.

“Well, have you, like... heard from him or anything?” he asked. Stevie looked like he might be about to shake his head, but Alex didn't give him time. He gnawed on his lip between thoughts as he rambled them aloud. “I haven't heard from him since… Well, I just haven't talked to him in a bit. That's - we always talk, you know? Even when he's mad at me. I guess I just wanted to check on him. Make sure he didn't… I wanna be sure he's okay.”

Stevie nodded along as he spoke. When he finally ran out of words, Alex was left staring at him, undoubtedly looking a bit lost. He certainly felt that way. Stevie seemed to notice, raising an eyebrow and stepping aside.

“You wanna come in, dude?”

Alex shook his head. “No, but I just. I was wondering if maybe you'd take a quick walk with me. Around the block or something, not too far.” He bounced anxiously on his heels.

Stevie cracked a smile.

“Yeah, man. Just give me a second to put some shoes on.”

\--

Outside, with shoes on his feet and the setting sun as a backdrop, Stevie matched Alex’s stride as they took off down the road. Stevie's street sat behind a rundown, old, former elementary school that had been turned into a church, and just beyond railroad tracks that shook the small, narrow houses and gravel driveways that made up his road. The driving path was the same brick as much of the small, surrounding streets, the original road laid down when the town was founded. It made a pleasant sound beneath their feet as they made their way toward the heart of West Point.

They walked for a few minutes in silence, as if both were waiting on the other to speak. Alex didn’t last long, though. There was too much on his mind to keep it there.

“I’m pretty sure Dan is avoiding me, Steve.”

He kept looking at the worn brick under his shoes, even as he could feel Stevie look up at him.

“No, he’s not,” he dismissed. “It’s _Dan;_ why would he avoid _you?”_

“He is, dude. Trust me,” Alex said. “You don’t know the whole story.”

Stevie only laughed again. “Alright, then; tell me the whole story.”

He really should’ve known better. Asking Alex to bear his soul was like popping a cork. He wasn't willing to often, but when he did, his mouth almost _foamed_ with the words that came pouring out. They escaped him like a sigh, a breath he'd been holding for far too long.

“I think he’s freaked out, Steve. I… I think I ran him off, and now he doesn’t even want to _talk_ to me, much less hang out with me.”

“That’s not--”

 

“I like Dan,” Alex blurted out. It felt strangely like relief, saying it aloud. Still, it landed on his shoulders like a weight as he waited for a response from Stevie. When it never came, he continued, his voice jittery and tight.

“I like him in a completely different way than I like you, or the guys at school or my family or anybody. He’s different. He like... He fascinates me. I know that's weird. But, I mean… I notice things about him that are completely random, and I like those things. I’m pretty sure I'm like, _attracted_ to him.” Swallowing, he tried to be sure that he wasn't talking too loudly, but it was difficult with the silence of the sleepy neighborhood surrounding them. When had it started to get dark? Nervous and with nothing else to do to fill the silence, he laughed. “I’m... I’m crazy. About him, I guess.”

Stevie just nodded as they walked, listening without speaking. Alex knew he was talking too quickly for his friend to get a word in, but he couldn't stop himself.

“I’m not… I mean, I guess I'm - I’ve never liked a guy before him. You know what I mean? I’ve never liked _anyone_ like I do him. Ever.”

Stevie hummed like he was thinking, connecting dots. “When did you--”

“Last time he and Annie broke up,” Alex interjected. Stevie snorted, and he felt the weight on his shoulders lift, if only slightly.

 

“You don't even let me finish my questions, dude.”

Alex shrugged, not bothering to apologize. “I was so _happy_ then, which was weird because I knew Dan was so upset. But then like a month later, he went back to her, and I... I was _so pissed off._ I mean, I’m always aggravated when they get back together, but this was - I wasn’t _annoyed_ this time. I was… It's like I was _jealous._ That's when I knew.”

Stevie nodded. For a moment he was silent, like he was considering something as he chewed on the inside of his cheek. Finally, he shrugged. “So why haven’t you just told _him_ all that? He'd be h--” Abruptly, he stopped short, cutting himself off with a cough. “He wouldn't care, you know? It's… It's Dan.”

Alex shook his head.

“Because I’m terrified, Stevie. I thought I was okay just keeping it to myself; I knew he wanted to be with Annie and that was just how it was gonna be. Then she dumped him again last month and he told me that he was done with her, and I just couldn’t stop myself. I've been dropping hints and trying to get a feel for what he thinks and it's just going nowhere. I even kind of… _kissed_ him. But he didn’t stop me or get mad or anything.”

Alex's mouth moved far quicker than his brain could. He tried to rein himself in but it was hard, especially as they walked past the many places where recent memories with Daniel were made. God, he was such a fucking sap.

At least Stevie was a good listener. Or a patient one, anyway. He listened to him talk about how impossible it had been to act normal around Dan, and how they’d gotten so much touchier lately. He didn’t even give Alex a sideways look when he said weird words like _touchier._ It was if Stevie was hiding time - waiting for something - but whatever it was, it never came.

Instead, Alex continued to talk himself in frantic circles.

“If I push it too far, and say or do anything wrong, I might scare him off completely. I'm afraid that's what I've already done. And I'm scared that I might lose him. I… I don't think I could deal with that, y’know?”

The silence that stretched between them after he finished rambling was physically painful. It settled in Alex's chest like the cold wind of winter, twisting and pulling even in summer’s heat. They passed one street sign and then another, rounded an entire block as he waited for his friend to say something in response.

All he got was the sound of Stevie clicking his tongue thoughtfully, and more dreadful quiet.

“Are you grossed out now?” Alex asked abruptly. “Cause I understand if you are. I didn’t mean to dump all of this on you. I just had to talk to somebody about it. I really don’t want to lose you as a friend, but--”

“I’m not grossed out, Alex,” Stevie said flatly, as if it were the dumbest suggestion Alex had ever made in his presence. “I don't care what you do or who you like. That doesn't matter to me any more than you having a brother that's adopted or being a Jew does. They're all just things about you.” His shoulder bumped against Alex's, an oddly comforting feeling. “If you like him, that's cool. I'm here for it. But I think he's the one you need to be talking to about it. Not me.”

“Dan isn’t talking to me, dude. I told you. I think he’s afraid to or mad at me or something.”

There was silence again, and then-

“I, uh… I talked to Dan earlier tonight,” Stevie said slowly, as if reluctant. Alex couldn't help the scowl that instantly began to pull at his brow. He slowed to a stop.

“So, he called you?”

Alex hoped that Stevie couldn't hear the _‘and not me?’_ that belonged at the end of his sentence. It was hard not to feel insulted, but he reminded himself that Stevie hadn't been the one to kiss Daniel and then disappear.

“What did you guys talk about?” he asked. It left his lips flat and terse; he had always been fairly awful at hiding his gut reactions to things.

Stevie wasn't fazed. “Not much,” he said, but when Alex twisted his mouth to one side in obvious disbelief, his casual air cracked and he rolled his eyes, sighing. “Look, he probably wouldn't want me talking about it, okay? He specifically asked me not to say shit, so I'm not going to. But I swear, man - he's definitely not mad at you. If you just talk to him and tell him what you told me, he'll listen. That's a conversation that you guys need to have, though. Without me there.”

“Have you been listening, dude?” Alex huffed. “I can't. If he isn't already avoiding me, talking to him about… whatever this is? It'll just upset him. I'm not going there.”

“Oh, right, because this is so much better,” Stevie snapped. When Alex looked at him harshly, he shook his head, rubbing hard at his eyes as he did so. “Look, Al. Buddy. No one is closer to Dan than you are. Nobody. Like, you could probably tell him anything, and he'd be cool with it. It's _you guys._ Whatever you think about him now doesn't change that.”

He looked back at Alex with a softer, hopeful expression, but when Alex shook his head stubbornly it dissolved in an instant. “You are so fuckin’ neurotic, dude.”

\--

The two of them made a complete loop around the heart of downtown West Point, a twenty-minute walk around the uneven groups of houses that made up the town's main streets. Beyond the brick roads and weathered street lamps that fenced in those houses lay the river, ambling along quietly. On evenings when the wind was still, the waters were nearly silent, and it made the echoing of their footsteps on empty streets seem all the louder.

Passing the edge of the Barnes’ property, it was obvious that a light was on in Daniel's room. The house sat close enough to the road to be seen, and Alex could make out the silhouette of someone moving in that soft light. He sighed, aware as it left him that it sounded far too much like a swoon. Part of him even considered abandoning reason and plucking a stone from the nearby place where the paved road became a gravel drive and throwing at that window, as he had so many times before. The thought of Daniel's face peering out, casting his familiar smile down at the two of them set Alex's heart to racing.

He was in such deep shit.

Alex stood watching for a few long moments, swallowed and turned his eyes back to the road in front of him and Stevie.

He was silent for the remainder of their walk, hands jammed into the pockets of his jacket and mind nowhere near the road where they walked. They were back at the railroad tracks that ran in front of Stevie's house before he returned to his senses.

“Thanks for listening to me, man,” Alex breathed, still feeling weighed down by his troubles. Stevie shrugged, reaching out to gently punch at his arm and smiling.

“No problem, man.”

There was definitely supposed to be more to his reply; Alex could hear the unspoken plea to act on the words of advice Stevie had given him, but he had no immediate intention to do so. Instead, he pulled Stevie into half of a lazy hug, asking him not to share their discussion with anyone else. It was an offhand request, something of an afterthought on Alex's part, but it did not seem to sit the same way with Stevie.

“You know what? Nah,” he said, his voice suddenly sharp and too loud in the nighttime silence. Alex swallowed, eyes going wide in shock. Stevie crossed his arms, leaning back against a railroad crossing sign.

“Dude, I'm sorry, it's just - I'm over being everyone's fucking secret keeper. What am I, a fucking diary for y'all?”

Alex blinked. In the many years he had known Stevie, he had never seen him so upset, especially over something that… just wasn't that big a deal. He tried to say as much, but the words caught in his throat and Stevie spoke over him before he could sort them out.

“How is it that you're this, like… borderline _genius_ and you don't fucking get it? I swore to Dan I wouldn't say anything, but God, if he could see this - you're both so fucking dense.”

“What are you talking about, dude?” Alex hissed, panic rising at the thought of Stevie's family or neighbors hearing him raise his voice. “Be quiet!”

“Fuck being quiet!” Stevie huffed. “That's not gonna accomplish anything. You have no idea how much you two make me wanna pull my hair out. You… You and your man Dan have something _really important_ in common, okay? That's the last thing I'm gonna say.”

With that, he kicked at the mulch that lined the railroad tracks and turned on his heel to head home, leaving Alex standing behind him, staring in utter confusion. When Alex called after him, Stevie did nothing more than throw a hand up to wave, dismissing him with a final shout over his shoulder.

“Nope. Nuh-uh. Talk to Dan, dude. Y’all got the same problem, and nobody else can solve it for you.”

Alex stood watching him, mouth hanging open until Stevie clicked his front door behind him. 

There was nothing left to do but go home, alone.


	5. Dan & Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has an alternating perspective, starting with Alex!
> 
> \--

Monday morning came too quickly.

The hallways seemed a thousand times louder than usual. Alex got to school as late as he could manage so he wouldn't have to socialize. It worked; the bell for class rang as he walked through the school’s front door.

It was third period before he realized Stevie wasn't at school. His stomach swirled thinking of lunch. He would have no one to talk to except Daniel.

He avoided that particular mess by skipping lunch altogether.

He knew he shouldn’t have; his blood sugar went crazy when he didn't eat. But the thought of a diabetic seizure somehow seemed more relaxing than forcing all of his turbulent thoughts into a conversation in a crowded lunchroom.

So, he spent the second half of his day alone with his eyes on the floor, trying not to think of the fact that Daniel was often just a few feet away.

Seventh period was nearly over when he could escape the inevitable no longer.

The class was quiet and heads were all tilted down, staring at homework when he let his eyes wander around the room. He caught Daniel’s attention by mistake and they smiled at each other, a knee-jerk response after nearly fifteen years. Alex felt such a lift in his chest that he thought he might accidentally speak aloud, and bit his lips together to keep from it.

It was over in a blink and Daniel returned to his work, seemingly unfazed. Alex clicked his pen a few dozen times and scribbled on his paper, then lay his head down in frustration until the final bell rang at three.

He walked home alone.

\--

Tuesday was more of the same.

Daniel felt lost.

He and Alex didn't greet one another when they arrived at school. They didn't sit together at lunch. They didn't stop to talk in the hallway. Alex broke a mechanical pencil in fifth period from clicking it a few times too many, and cast him a strangely accusatory look as he threw it away.

None of it made sense, but then how could he make sense of it if Alex didn't even want to acknowledge that things had gotten so weird? Daniel stopped to duck into the empty restroom between classes, just to stare into the mirror for a moment and think.

He just wanted to talk to his best friend, even if it was only for a moment.

Alex stood bent over at his locker, zipping up his book bag when Daniel finally worked up the courage to approach him, coming to stand behind him in the hallway. Alex turned, stood upright - and nearly hit him in the face as he closed his locker.

He looked absolutely mortified, but Daniel forced the widest smile he could manage and cleared his throat.

“Hey,” they said in unison, their voices similarly unsteady. Daniel asked him if he’d heard from Stevie. Alex shook his head. The sound of his voice tickled and gnawed at Daniel's stomach, the way a pang of hunger might. Daniel ignored it, desperate for those few blissful seconds of talking to Alex like things were okay.

That was all he had, though. A moment later Alex motioned outside, mentioning that he needed to catch the bus to avoid the rain that had begun to fall. Daniel nodded, remembering he had weightlifting for football that evening, wishing he could simply go home instead.

They parted ways with nothing meaningful having been said between them, and Daniel went on to the school gym. He was surrounded by the sounds of others but he had never felt more alone.

Catching sight of himself in the mirror again and marveling at just how strange he found his own appearance with such a look of melancholy on his face, he wondered if he would spend the rest of the week, the school year, the next full year feeling so terrible.

He could only hope the fragile silence between them would break soon.

\--

Wednesday dawned sunny and Appalachian summer warm, and Alex was relieved to see Stevie standing with Daniel in the hallway before class.

Stevie spotted him too and motioned him over. They all talked like nothing was different and Alex felt okay, better than he had in days. When the bell rang and Stevie darted into his first class, Daniel and Alex walked to class together and everything was alright. They smiled at each other a few times, and even the scratching at his stomach was bearable, offset by the weightless feeling in his chest he got every time Daniel was anywhere near him.

Lunch was different; they sat as a group with Stevie between the two of them, and he seemed agitated. He asked what they’d been up to while he’d been sick, and neither had much of an answer. What little they did have to say didn't seem to be the right answer for Stevie. He ate quickly and left before they finished, grumbling to himself. Alex didn't bother to follow him.

When he and Daniel started talking again in the hall that afternoon it was only about homework, but his face was still uncomfortably warm and his stomach did strange flips. Never had he more wanted to pull something - someone - toward him and push them away at the same time. Without Stevie there as a buffer between them, there was only the raw friction of trying to exist in Daniel's orbit as gravity threatened to pull Alex past his breaking point.

It was the sound of the end bell for lunch that made him realize at last: Stevie was avoiding them. His stomach was in knots the rest of the day; he knew Daniel would figure it out soon too.

And then all that would be left would be to talk about _why._

\--

Alex was well on his way - walking home alone, again - when he heard running footsteps hitting the still-damp road behind him.

“Alex!”

Daniel bounded up behind him, breathless and flushed, slowing to a bouncing walk. He swiped a sweat-dampened strand of black hair from his face and threw a hand up; Alex stopped and stood with him while he caught his breath.

“Can I walk with you?” Daniel managed, still bent slightly forward. “We, uh… we haven’t really had a chance to talk in a couple of days and-”

“Sure.”

Daniel smiled before he could help himself, big and goofy and full f equal parts anxiety and relief. Thankfully, Alex grinned too, so he didn't feel quite as ridiculous. Alex pointed to the back road - the long way home for both of them - and Daniel nodded.

“Over the river and through the woods,” he sang, still half out of breath. It was stupid and it was off key and that's probably what made Alex laugh so hard, but Daniel would gladly take it to keep hearing that sound.

The two of them made their way toward the small, stone bridge over Plate Creek, a path they'd wandered many times before.

\--

“Been a weird week.”

“Yup,” Alex offered in reply as they made their way home. He knew where this was likely headed. He tried to laugh, all the same. “Only Wednesday, too.”

Daniel nodded, hands thrust deep into his pockets. “Been a weird week for me since Saturday, honestly…”

He trailed off, after that.

The walk was slower than it needed to be, and the talking came slowly too. After a while, the topic was creeping closer to how they had spent their weekend and for Alex, the conversation’s slope felt dangerously slick.

Daniel must have sensed it too. “Glad Stevie’s feeling better,” he offered to break the silence, and Alex tried to hide his relief.

“Yeah. School's weird, without him around. Without all of us together, you know what I mean? It's been that way for so long.” Alex paused for a second, catching his breath as his chest suddenly felt tight. “It's… It's been a weird week, not talking to you, much.”

“Likewise,” Daniel said without pause, and the authenticity in his voice made Alex's chest feel even tighter. Daniel bumped his shoulder against Alex's, a familiar gesture as he chuckled, “M’here now, though.”

Alex smiled. “Mhm.” They walked a few more steps in silence, and thoughts of catching Daniel up on his life since last they'd spoken entered his mind. They were out of his mouth before he could think better of it.

“You know, I went to Starbucks the other day. Sunday. Literally half the town was there, I swear to God. And Carrie and Annie were--” He stopped himself, sucking in a sharp breath. “Sorry. Don't mean to talk about--”

“It's okay,” Daniel said. When Alex stared at him afterward, not really convinced, Daniel laughed and shook his head. “Really. I mean - it's still sucks that she fucked with me so bad when we split. But I've heard she's talking to someone else now, which - honestly - is fine by me. I've… I've got other things on my mind, right now.” He shrugged, smiling aimlessly up at the sky the way he did when he was in a matchlessly good mood. “I'm just not real busted up about her anymore, y’know?”

The meaning of his words took a moment to settle over Alex. He had heard similar promises before, with Daniel swearing off returning to his ex every time they split, but this seemed different. This seemed more genuine, like something had finally dawned on Daniel that had broken the cycle.

Alex beamed at him.

“That’s… That's really good.” He reached out and squeezed Daniel’s arm through his coat. Daniel pulled his arm backward and took Alex’s hand, squeezing it in return. Then as they walked, he just… didn't let go, and they kept walking, hands still clasped.

Alex tried to stay calm as his pulse began hammering in his ears at the feeling. Yards felt like miles and Daniel’s hand felt hot against his. Words wrestled on his tongue and his chest was all at once too small for his lungs; he knew what needed done, what needed to be said.

He just had no idea where to begin.

“Daniel, you’re my best friend...” It came out more like a random statement than something meaningful, sounding nothing like the beginning of the important conversation it needed to be.

Daniel didn't didn't seem to notice just how short he had fallen. He squeezed Alex's hand in reply, a simple hum his only audible answer.

Alex felt like he might trip over his own feet, as lightheaded as that tiny gesture made him feel. He didn't offer anything further, too conflicted to know what to say next. There was nothing he could say that would bridge the topic without driving another wedge between them, and he wasn't sure he could stand that, again.

So he said nothing. They just kept walking in slow and peaceful silence, still hand in hand. Daniel’s hands were wider than his, fingers shorter; they fit against Alex’s more perfectly than he wanted to let himself think about. Maybe, though, he could let himself enjoy the feeling of it for just a few moments more.

The universe seemed to have other plans, though.

A dull whirring behind them signalled the approach of a car. They pulled their hands apart on reflex and jammed them in their pockets in unison. They were only a few yards from where the bridge led off onto the riverbank and underpasses, so when the car moved closer and Daniel stepped off the road, Alex doesn’t protest. He followed him to the river’s shallow bank and kicked a rock down the hill, watching it tumble into the murky water.

“You wanna sit?” Daniel asked. He took a seat on the damp, muddy ground and looked up at Alex.

Alex squished the wet dirt under his shoe and grimaced. He shook his head and stood, hovering beside him instead. “No thanks; your jeans are gonna be stained enough for both of us.”

Daniel laughed and flicked Alex hard in the leg. “Wuss!” he snorted, pulling the laces of Alex’s shoe out of their knot. The shoe wiggled loose and Alex kneed Daniel in the shoulder. He cursed him through a smile and laughed loud enough to send it echoing off the tunnels of the nearby underpass.

It was the most beautiful, perfect moment Alex had felt in days, maybe even longer. He savored it as long as he could.

They sat there - stood there - a few minutes without speaking. Daniel turned himself to face toward the bridge, his back resting against Alex’s leg. The feeling of him there was familiar, reassuring. Alex let his hand fall into Daniel’s hair, and he thought he could hear a quiet, little sound as he did, like a sigh of relief.

Another car buzzed by, and Alex took his hand back. He waited for Daniel to move as well, but he didn't. The nervous tickle in Alex’s stomach returned. The car passed and he dropped his hand again. This time, Daniel laid his head back into Alex's open palm, and he was suddenly very aware of the soft hair between his fingers.

There was another blissful beat of silence, and then-

“Alex, do you ever think this is weird?” Daniel asked.

“What's weird?” Alex asked in return, even though he knew. His fingers were still in Daniel's hair.

Daniel tilted his head back, looking up at Alex without moving the hand out of his hair - as if to make a point. “You and me. Us.”

Alex's stomach dropped. This was it. This was the end Alex had been dreading.

He shrugged, stiffening. “We’re best friends, Dan.”

“No, Stevie and I are friends. Donnie and A.D. are friends. You and I are… something _different.”_ He wasn't asking; he was stating fact. Alex couldn't argue.

“Yeah. I guess we are.”

Daniel picked up a rock and threw it into the river. “Is that weird to you?” he asked insistently. When Alex didn't answer right away he turned to face him. Alex could see something unfamiliar in the eyes looking up at him; fragility made Daniel's bright, blue eyes seem soft and hazy. He was scared.

Something about that comforted Alex, at least a little.

Alex took as deep a breath as he could draw and squatted down in front of Daniel. He chewed on his bottom lip, thinking of how on earth to say what he was thinking. Before he could manage a single syllable Daniel was standing bolt upright, panic spreading across his face.

“Look, just - never mind,” he said, as if spitting out the taste of his previous words. “It’s not - I guess it doesn’t matter.” He offered Alex a hand up. “Let's just go home.”

“It _does_ matter--” Alex started, pulling himself to his feet with Daniel’s help. They were so close to resolution - to _some_ kind of _something_ \- he couldn't let the chance to fix things slip away. Halfway to standing, though, his untied shoe slipped and his leg buckled beneath him. The world seemed to shift and he fell, tumbling backward down the muddy, rocky bank hill.

He felt frigid water rush through his hair, over his ears and face, and a hot, painful sting in his mouth. Sitting up to gasp for breath, he inhaled the taste and smell of the dirty, shallow water at the river’s edge. His nose burnt and his ears rang. It was only when he felt an arm pulling him firmly upright that he realized Daniel was in the water beside him.

He coughed and spat as he tried to stand. Daniel was saying his name over and over, holding him while his legs shook. When he opened his eyes they burned and he still couldn't really see. “Ah, dude- sick!” he managed, wiping river water from his face. He was absolutely _covered_ in mud, his feet and legs soaked to his skin.

He looked up at Daniel to see panic still on his face. “I'm alright,” he said, spitting out sand. “It's okay.”

Daniel nodded and raked damp, dirty hair from Alex’s face. He sank a hand into that hair and all but _slammed_ his face against Alex’s, kissing him hard. He pulled back after a few seconds, shaking. The sound that came from him was something like a sob, and his chest heaved like he had given Alex the last of his breath. He moved up the bank and out of the water and pulled Alex up after him.

Alex hooked an arm around Daniel’s neck to steady himself as they moved. His legs trembled from the cold and weight of his drenched pants, and his shoeless foot faltered. He fell forward, landing on his side. Daniel was hovering over him in an instant, nearly crawling on top of him as Alex rolled onto his back.

Daniel's hand had found its way beneath Alex, guarding his slightly-exposed back from the rocky ground beneath them. Daniel used the other to push strands of hair away from Alex's eyes, searching his face for any sign of injury, any look of pain. The care in his expression made everything fade away for a moment, and Alex was left looking up at the most beautiful person he'd ever seen, looking tenderly back at him.

It was as if Daniel was waiting for something, for reassurance, permission - anything from Alex. All Alex could offer was an audible, anxious swallow and a murmur of, “It’s okay.”

Daniel nodded; they weren’t talking about the fall anymore.

Alex brought his hands up to find purchase at Daniel's back and waist and pulled him down to capture his mouth in another kiss.

This one was different. It was _real._ Daniel’s hands were on his face and in his hair as their mouths slid open against each other. Alex sighed into the kiss. It was warm and wet, and tasted like dirt and blood and some kind of candy Daniel had been eating. It was gritty and weird and yet, somehow, Alex _still_ couldn't remember anything ever being any better.

It was over far too soon, and they were left staring at each other, breathless and shivering, with Daniel lying heavily on top of him.

Daniel swallowed hovering close to Alex's face as he rasped out, “Are you - do you-”

“Just you,” Alex whispered. He could feel heat rising in his face, but he wasn't sure if he was blushing or bleeding. He _was_ sure that he didn't care.

“I… me too,” Daniel conceded, and a grin began to pull at his features. For a moment Alex just stared up at him, world still spinning out of control but suddenly in a very different direction as he realized he was the reason for that sweet, smug smile.

Daniel laughed through his nose, bumping it against Alex's. He took Alex’s hand and quickly noticed a deep gash there. His eyes darted back to Alex’s face and he traced his fingers along his jaw, highlighting yet another small cut.

Alex winced. He could finally feel the burn of those cuts setting in, taste the bleeding in his mouth. He looked back at Daniel. “Is it bad?”

A frown and a nod. “We need to get you home,” Daniel breathed. “You look awful.”

“Thanks,” Alex laughed. “I feel pretty disgusting right now.”

Daniel stood first and picked up Alex’s lost shoe, offering him his spare hand. Alex stared up at him briefly, smiled in spite of the stinging cut on his face, and pulled himself up to join him.

They climbed the bank, a little at a time, pulling on each other for better footing. When they reached the top they peeled off their soiled shirts, glad for the warm weather.

Alex groaned. “My mom is gonna _murder_ me when I track this crap in on her floor.” He threw his shirt over his shoulder, and watched - perhaps a bit indulgently - as Daniel threw his own over his forearm, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

“You can tell her I tripped you,” he offered. “I mean, I technically kinda did. Sorry about that, by the way.”

Alex grinned and grabbed Daniel’s muddy hand, squeezing it gently.

“It's okay,” he promised again. Daniel gave him the most ridiculous, adorable smile he’d ever seen and the fluttering in his stomach caught fire.

He got the worst lecture from his mother he could remember that night, but he hardly heard a word of it. When he fell asleep, it was with his phone in his hand, a text from Daniel wishing him goodnight still on the screen.

How he had gotten to that point didn't matter.

It was all entirely worth it.

\--

Thursday was better. So much better.

Daniel was Alex's shadow once more, and while no one else had even noticed the time they'd spent at odds, Daniel himself could help feeling like the entire universe had somehow been stitched back together after being torn in two.

Everything was right again. They sat together. They ate together. They walked everywhere together. Just being able to laugh at each other's jokes again - perhaps, Daniel admitted to himself, a bit too loudly - was the greatest relief he had ever felt.

Well, other than the one he had felt just the day before.

When Stevie saw them his face glowed like a glass lamp, beaming and lit from within. He might not have known exactly what was up, but he knew something was better. Something had clicked. He could _tell._

Daniel had half a mind to thank him for it, but he was too busy talking to Alex at every given opportunity to do much of anything else.

Talking was no longer a problem; trying to be quiet had become the struggle. Every time they stood too close, the urge to touch the other’s hand, to grab them by the sleeve was thwarted by talking, instead. Nervous, excited chatter with no real meaning filled their time together, but they couldn't stop.

No one really tried to make them. That was the thing Daniel was most glad for. In a world that had changed completely for him in the span of a few hours, no one else seemed any wiser. That was fine by him.

Stevie was notably absent again after school, but it made much less difference to them than it had just the day before.

They walked home again together, and this time - when they neared the Plate Creek underpass - they found a dry, level spot beneath its structure to sit and wait out the bulk of the school traffic. Only that evening, they stayed there as late as they dared, wound up in one another's arms and kissing each other until they lost track of time, place and every other inconsequential detail.

When they finally parted for the evening, it was only with the promise to spend the next afternoon the very same way.

\--

Friday afternoon brought Alex assurance of two things.

Everything was back to normal, and nothing would ever be the same.


End file.
